Relationship issues & breakups

But, there’s an explanation for why humans are constantly reimagining relationships: They take work if you want them to continue to run like a well-oiled machine. There is no perfect relationship or one-size-fits-all experience, however. Having a healthy relationship is hard and can affect your mental health—especially given the stressors and isolation that have become more common with modern living. 

For example, the pandemic has had a (mostly unhelpful) impact on relationships: Divorces, as well as domestic violence and intimate partner violence (IPV) skyrocketed. Due to specific stressors, people who had or have unstable incomes, who are part of the LGBTQ+ community, and/or identify as part of a minority community were more likely to report relationship issues and major breakups post-2020. Of course, relationship challenges are not new with the pandemic, but it did compound many existing issues and created new ones. 

The bottom line is that no relationship is without challenge, no matter how shiny and happy things may appear in popular media. Though it may take some work, identifying stressors in relationships, openly discussing feelings, and working through them individually and together, can help create a thriving relationship that brings a lot of joy to life.

• Cheating
• Not respecting personal space or other boundaries
• Creating a power imbalance
• Control over one partner’s life
• Feeling neglected, abandoned or unsupported
• Not prioritizing the relationship
• Loss of interest in the other person

While it’s always good to work on your communication skills, and find ways to repair a relationship that can be repaired, amazing communication won’t save every relationship. It may be that the relationship has become—or has always been—toxic. 

When you’re in a toxic relationship, it may feel like you’re getting less than you’re giving. You may feel uneasy and like you are walking on eggshells around the other person. Toxic relationships can leave you feeling drained. It can be hard to identify a toxic relationship from the inside, however, so here are things to look for. Your partner may be toxic if they: 

• Intentionally disrespect you
• Maintain a negative outlook on life (for example, constant criticism, complaining and hostility)
• Always place the blame on you
• Abuse you verbally, emotionally, physically, and/or sexually
• Manipulate or gaslight you
• Have control or power over you, or the relationship feels unbalanced

When toxic relationships escalate to abuse—whether emotionally, physically, and/or sexually—they threaten your safety. Abuse is not your fault, and, if your partner does any of the following, you’re experiencing abuse:

• Intentionally disrespects or belittles you (in private or public)
• Stalks or physically threatens you and/or your loved ones
• Tries to control your decisions (who you spend time with and what you do)
• Tries to control finances (controlling what and how you spend)
• Tries to control sex (pressuring or forcing things you aren’t comfortable with)

It’s important to recognize the difference between a relationship that can be saved (and is worth saving) and one that should be let go. If you’re feeling like you and your partner simply aren’t a good fit for each other, you have worked on issues, and they still exist, or if your relationship is toxic, it may be time to make a tough call. If the toxicity has escalated to abuse, it can be hard to leave, but is often necessary to protect you and/or your children and may require law enforcement support.

Breakups—especially separation and divorce—can take a huge toll on your well-being. Regardless of the reasons for it and who called it off with whom, a breakup is an adjustment. It is also a loss and can trigger the grieving process and ruminations on “why.” Recovering is a process that is often non-linear, but a crucial step is learning to recognize your value and the value you can bring to a future relationship and partner. 

3. Know when to move on

Part of having a healthy relationship is knowing when one is no longer healthy or right for you. If you’re going through a breakup or are considering one, have an honest conversation with yourself:

• Understand the potential disconnect.
  • What’s truly getting in the way of having a strong and supportive connection with a partner?
  • How could getting better at communicating help or not help?
  • How have you contributed to past relationship challenges (which may explain a pattern that is coming up in this one)?
• Figure out if you’re willing to do the work.
  • Are you willing to put the work in to save a relationship? Both you and your partner need to answer that question separately.
• Explore different solutions that make sense for the relationship.
  • What have you tried so far?
  • What are you willing to try in the future?
  • What’s off-limits for you?
• Accept what’s out of your control.
  • Is the relationship toxic? Some people are unwilling to change their ways.
  • Are you actually a good fit? It’s a sign—albeit not a dealbreaker—if you and a partner have dramatically different ways of approaching life.

It may seem incredibly challenging, but if you want to end a relationship, you can and are strong enough to do so. Once you make the decision, let your family and friends know you’ll need their support detaching from your partner in a healthy way. Do your best to limit interactions with your partner during the breakup process, including social media. Finally, cut yourself some slack and try to be self-compassionate: Whatever you’re feeling is OK. A crucial part of moving on is accepting the loss you’re undertaking.