Our culture tells us romance is everywhere—we see it in movies, songs, books and television shows. While we biologically have a need for support and interpersonal relationships as human beings, romantic relationships often serve a different purpose from the connections we have with friends or family.
These relationships can look different to different people and can involve different genders or numbers of partners, but are often mutual, ongoing interactions that involve expressions of emotions towards each other like intimacy and affection.
But, there’s an explanation for why humans are constantly reimagining relationships: They take work if you want them to continue to run like a well-oiled machine. There is no perfect relationship or one-size-fits-all experience, however. Having a healthy relationship is hard and can affect your mental health—especially given the stressors and isolation that have become more common with modern living.
For example, the pandemic has had a (mostly unhelpful) impact on relationships: Divorces, as well as domestic violence and intimate partner violence (IPV) skyrocketed. Due to specific stressors, people who had or have unstable incomes, who are part of the LGBTQ+ community, and/or identify as part of a minority community were more likely to report relationship issues and major breakups post-2020. Of course, relationship challenges are not new with the pandemic, but it did compound many existing issues and created new ones.
The bottom line is that no relationship is without challenge, no matter how shiny and happy things may appear in popular media. Though it may take some work, identifying stressors in relationships, openly discussing feelings, and working through them individually and together, can help create a thriving relationship that brings a lot of joy to life.
Many relationship challenges can be attributed to difficulty with communication. One partner thinks the other understands why they are angry, but they never explain their reasoning or feelings out loud, for example. Things can then fester and create more problems. While not a complete list, many factors can enhance relationship stress, including:
Poor communication, especially when combined with these kinds of other stressors, can be a sign of unhealthy relationships. These can have significant impacts on your health, happiness, and well-being, and sometimes the patterns can be subtle and hard to recognize. Some warning signs of an unhealthy relationship include:
While it’s always good to work on your communication skills, and find ways to repair a relationship that can be repaired, amazing communication won’t save every relationship. It may be that the relationship has become—or has always been—toxic.
When you’re in a toxic relationship, it may feel like you’re getting less than you’re giving. You may feel uneasy and like you are walking on eggshells around the other person. Toxic relationships can leave you feeling drained. It can be hard to identify a toxic relationship from the inside, however, so here are things to look for. Your partner may be toxic if they:
When toxic relationships escalate to abuse—whether emotionally, physically, and/or sexually—they threaten your safety. Abuse is not your fault, and, if your partner does any of the following, you’re experiencing abuse:
It’s important to recognize the difference between a relationship that can be saved (and is worth saving) and one that should be let go. If you’re feeling like you and your partner simply aren’t a good fit for each other, you have worked on issues, and they still exist, or if your relationship is toxic, it may be time to make a tough call. If the toxicity has escalated to abuse, it can be hard to leave, but is often necessary to protect you and/or your children and may require law enforcement support.
Breakups—especially separation and divorce—can take a huge toll on your well-being. Regardless of the reasons for it and who called it off with whom, a breakup is an adjustment. It is also a loss and can trigger the grieving process and ruminations on “why.” Recovering is a process that is often non-linear, but a crucial step is learning to recognize your value and the value you can bring to a future relationship and partner.
There are three main ways to start developing strong relationships that are in your control. Understanding what you can and cannot control is a significant step in healing.
Having challenges in a relationship does not mean something is wrong with you that needs changing, but it can be helpful to better understand yourself alone and with a partner. Doing so can help you to recognize your value. A few things that can help do that include:
In all aspects of our life, communication is important, so truly understanding how to communicate well with someone else can help you universally and not just in romantic relationships. Some ideas include:
Part of having a healthy relationship is knowing when one is no longer healthy or right for you. If you’re going through a breakup or are considering one, have an honest conversation with yourself:
It may seem incredibly challenging, but if you want to end a relationship, you can and are strong enough to do so. Once you make the decision, let your family and friends know you’ll need their support detaching from your partner in a healthy way. Do your best to limit interactions with your partner during the breakup process, including social media. Finally, cut yourself some slack and try to be self-compassionate: Whatever you’re feeling is OK. A crucial part of moving on is accepting the loss you’re undertaking.
