Loneliness

Our need to connect with others is ingrained in our biology, but even as we are texting, posting, and often interacting with others, many of us feel alone. This guide will help you to gain perspective on feelings of isolation and connectedness.

Woman looking out a window while sitting on her bed

What is loneliness?

When we feel lonely, we’re distressed or uncomfortable in our social connections. We feel like there’s a gap between what we want our social relationships to look like and what our experiences actually are. Even people who are surrounded by others all day can be lonely. It’s about the quality and authenticity of our relationships and not just the number of them.

There’s an increase in these feelings across the U.S., so much so that the U.S. Surgeon General released a report in 2023 calling loneliness an epidemic.¹

Sometimes, but not all of the time, loneliness can stem from feelings of isolation or can reinforce it. These feelings can be painful and include feeling left out and rejected.

Self-isolation is a process that can happen gradually, so it’s important to recognize it early, if possible. A few of the signs include:

Spending the vast majority of your time alone
Feeling extremely uncomfortable in social situations you used to enjoy
Not communicating via text, email, or phone with others
Feeling as if there’s nobody to lean on for help
Generally lacking desire to connect with the world around you

It can be helpful and healthy to make time for yourself when you're struggling, but if you find yourself avoiding social interaction for an extended period, it can turn into something more. Isolation and loneliness might also be a sign of mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety.

While loneliness can affect your mental health, it can also have serious physical health consequences. Lack of social connection has been linked to higher rates of heart disease, high blood pressure and a weakened immune system. To put it into context, one study found self-isolation had the same health impact as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Given these potential consequences and the growing numbers of people who feel lonely, it’s even more critical to find ways to combat loneliness and connect to others in a real way.

What's causing my loneliness?

Social connection is wired into our DNA. Humans crave it just like other necessities such as food and water. That’s why when we don’t have it, it pervasively affects our mental and physical health.

There is no one cause of loneliness, and it can result from everything from a change in your living environment or a breakup to the death of a loved one. It may not even have a reason, because you’re actually surrounded by people. But, whatever the reason, you feel a disconnect and lack of support.

Some of the reasons for this can be internal, like self-esteem. You may also feel misunderstood or like others are judging you, and that can make you feel lonely. When we can’t identify with the folks around us, or our relationships don’t feel fully authentic, we may start a vicious cycle of loneliness and isolation.

Sometimes you can become isolated because of other emotions or difficulties you’re experiencing. While spending your time alone feels easier, too much time isolated in a tough mental state can lead to intrusive thoughts (unwanted thoughts that are difficult to get out of your mind) and negative self-talk. Sometimes this is a symptom or a cause of mental health conditions like depression and social anxiety as well.

Loneliness may also result from our social connections themselves. It can be difficult to maintain healthy social connections if you’re in a geographically isolated place or lost social connections because of a disruption in a routine, like COVID-19. Because there are fewer people to interact with, it may be that there are fewer opportunities to have meaningful, in-person connections.

In general, three aspects of relationships can affect how socially connected (or not) we feel:

Structure: The size of your social groups and how frequently you interact with them
Function: How deep your relationships are and whether your needs feel met
Quality: Your overall level of satisfaction within a relationship—whether it leaves you feeling energized or drained

How lonely we feel depends on these qualities in our relationships, but they’re things you can work on as you reach out to make social connections.

How should I deal with loneliness?

While feeling lonely is completely normal sometimes, it’s important not to let those feelings keep you from connecting with people you care about or doing the things you once enjoyed or still want to try.

Making an effort to have in-person human interaction, even if it’s taking a walk or going to the store, can be helpful in reminding us that we have support all around us.

Things to try

There are many possible activities you can try to overcome self-isolation and to address feelings of loneliness.

Do that new thing you've been meaning to try

Go for a walk
Spend some time with a pet
Text or call someone to say you care about them

More Things To Try

How to help a loved one

Losing a connection with someone you care about because they're lonely and isolated can hurt. But when a loved one’s level of social interaction drastically decreases, or they’re making negative assessments about their social interactions in the world, it can often mean they’re most in need of support, especially from someone they trust.

Remember that the isolation isn’t about you, but rather something your loved one is working through. Don’t get offended if they say they’re lonely, but you know they have you. Instead, just listen and be there for them, allowing them to see the authenticity and quality of your relationship and feel less alone.

One of the many reasons a person might isolate is because they’re already feeling alone and not worthy of company. By taking the time to be present, reach out and engage with your loved one, and even do fun hobbies with them, you can provide them with much-needed contact and comfort. You can also help them get out of their house and the quiet of being alone.

Remember that loneliness and isolation could be a sign of a mental health condition. If you think they’re struggling with something bigger and need professional help, try to support them in that discovery. Coming from a place of love and encouraging them to seek out support can have a really meaningful impact on their outlook and ability to plan and seek out more community.

What can I do now?

Although you might feel lonely or isolated, it’s important to remember there are people who care about you. It might feel difficult, but reach out to them and make plans. Take tiny steps each day to connect with at least one person. If breaking out of isolation becomes too overwhelming, consider finding a counselor or therapist to talk to, or check out other local resources that serve your community or a community nearby.