While not everyone has a diagnosable mental health condition, everybody does have mental health (the status of your emotional and psychological well-being). Most people, at some point in their lives, deal with feelings of insecurity, anxiety, sadness, fear, excitement, and grief. Sometimes those feelings can become unmanageable and require more support to deal with.

If you’ve ever struggled with your mental health, you know how tough it can be to get through alone. Many people hide their feelings because they assume no one will understand them, or that their emotions and experiences are a burden. 

Over time, this can lead to social isolation, shame, and more severe mental health consequences. No one should suffer in silence.

Being honest and vulnerable about your feelings isn’t easy, and many people avoid it for fear of rejection and judgment. But the truth is, it’s super important to check in on the mental health of your loved ones. It’s relieving and life-affirming. Offering yourself as an empathetic, understanding person is a simple but powerful way of helping your loved ones cope with difficult emotions.

Talking to your loved ones about their mental health is not a replacement for therapy or professional mental health care, but it’s an essential part of supporting the people you care about. 

When speaking to your loved ones about their mental health, it’s important to keep a few things in mind so you don’t exacerbate their problems or discourage them from reaching out again.

• Provide a safe, relaxing space for your loved one to feel comfortable sharing their feelings, processing difficult emotions, and divulging private thoughts. 
• Figure out if they want validation or problem-solving. It’s important to ask how a person is feeling and what they want in a given moment. Sometimes, if you jump to trying to solve someone’s problems when they just want to vent, it can feel invalidating. But for others, it can be extremely comforting to talk through an issue and come up with solutions. Ask your loved one what they’d prefer. 
• Actively listen and ask open-ended questions. Remain engaged in what they have to say. If your loved one is struggling to express themselves, ask gentle, respectful questions to encourage them to open up. You can also try reflecting back what they’ve said to you to show you heard and understood them. Don’t rush them through, especially if they’re having strong emotions. 
• Don’t express judgment. After all, we can’t help our feelings and we can’t always control our thoughts. No one deserves to be negatively judged by their worst days and their deepest-held worries. You can validate someone’s emotions and understand where they are coming from even if you don’t agree with their analysis of a situation. 
• Ask how you can be supportive, whether that’s doing their dishes, running an errand for them, or simply hanging out and watching a movie.  
• Affirm and empower your loved ones. If they’re expressing anxiety, comfort them. If they’re feeling insecure, tell them why you love and care about them. Ask your loved one what makes them feel better; maybe going for a walk, sitting in silence, listening to music, or something else relaxing.

While you may not be able to solve all their problems, providing care in these ways can be really comforting and make a big difference.

• It’s important to ask someone first what would be helpful for them. Begin the conversation by asking if they’d prefer help problem-solving or just need to be heard.
• A simple “How have you been feeling lately?” can be a great way to start a conversation.
• If you know someone very well and they have already shared with you that they struggle with a particular mental health challenge, you could ask them directly how they are dealing with their specific mental health concern, like “Can I ask how your depression/anxiety/etc. is these days?”
• Maybe something upsetting in the news relates to their particular experience. After asking someone if they’re in the right headspace to talk about something distressing, you can gently ask how that makes them feel. 
• If you have similar struggles, it can be nice to start from your own experience: “I know I have good days and bad days managing [mental health concern]. How has it been for you lately?”

What not to say

• Be mindful of how you talk about mental health in general. Words like “crazy,” “unhinged,” “psycho,” and more are commonplace but are rooted in stigma against people with mental health conditions. Try expanding your vocabulary and replacing those words with more accurate sentiments. Maybe your day wasn’t “crazy,” it was just disorganized. Your boss isn’t “psycho,” they’re just really demanding.
• Don’t rely on platitudes or motivational phrases. You may think it’s comforting but some sentiments are best left on greeting cards. Telling someone “These things shall pass” or “Just keep your head up” can feel insensitive to the gravity of people’s experiences. 
• Refrain from diagnosing or treating your loved ones. Even if you are a licensed professional, this is a violation of boundaries and can be very detrimental to someone’s treatment and recovery. Instead of speculating what someone is dealing with, ask them what’s going on and point them to the appropriate resources.

Community support and mental health care should go hand-in-hand but are not replacements for each other. Though you may feel the urge to fix your loved one’s problems, it’s important to have boundaries and recognize your limitations in providing support (even if you are a therapist or social worker).

The main differences between providing support for a loved one and mental health care are professionalism, privacy, and objectivity. A licensed mental health provider or therapist is a professional trained to help people; they can provide unbiased, structured support that you may not know how to provide. They are also trained in evidence-based strategies to improve mental health.

A therapist is meant to be an unbiased professional to turn to, who can provide coping mechanisms and a perspective to your loved one that they maybe haven’t been able to access on their own.

As a friend or confidant, you may have years of knowledge about someone’s life and experience with their specific struggles. This can definitely be extremely valuable when you’re having a heart-to-heart, but when you’re trying to get a sense of someone’s mental health status, it can create biases that don’t let you get a clear look. 

Remember to show yourself the same care and attention you would to your loved ones. Set boundaries, take time for yourself, and make sure your own mental health is offered the same support.