Family conflict

Many of us know the feeling of trying to talk to a family member and noticing feeling resentful, sad, anxious or angry. Sometimes arguments feel like they come out of nowhere. This can make us feel powerless and can lead to a strained relationship.

You might limit your contact or keep it surface-level and polite without being engaged. You might also decide to stop communication altogether, which is called estrangement. The weight of these feelings can be hard to shake and can creep into aspects of your life and into your other relationships.

Of course, occasional conflict is part of family life. Ongoing conflict or estrangement, however, can have a huge impact on your mental health. While every family is different, and even different relationships between different members of one family can be closer or more distant, there are a few common signs of family conflict that you can identify that might have a lasting impact on your mental health: 

• Small disagreements that quickly escalate into shouting or screaming
• Passive aggressive comments (indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them)
• Prolonged periods of silence (without contact) following an argument or disagreement
• Mutual enabling of self-destructive behaviors, such as substance use (for example, lying for someone or freely giving them money to fund substance use)
• Self-blame for challenging relationships, leading to trouble sleeping or stress
• Physical abuse (in any form)
• Emotional abuse (for example, constant criticism, name-calling, yelling, swearing and verbal threats)
• Neglect (failing to take care of, or be cared for, as a loved one)

If you find yourself filled with dread or anxiety about upcoming gatherings or seeing one or more family members in particular, it could be that you’ve reached a point when change needs to be made or boundaries formed. It’s worthwhile to figure out effective strategies you can use to avoid and de-escalate friction rather than let your relationship deteriorate over time, which could have a negative impact on other (non-family) relationships and on your overall mindset. 

Noticing these stressors and your own internal reactions to them is the first step. You can then try to find a healthy way to address it to try to improve your relationships, if that is what you want, while also prioritizing taking care of yourself. 

When it comes to most family issues, many misunderstandings can be resolved with clearer communication and a better understanding of the other person’s perspective. It’s important to remember that you don’t have to agree with someone’s worldview to understand it and how it makes them feel.

Keep in mind, however, that sometimes distance and boundaries are necessary to protect yourself in challenging relationships, and you may even need to end a relationship. This is never an easy decision but sometimes is the necessary one. 

1. Try to accept that there’s no perfect solution. Every person and situation is different. Sometimes the best possible solution may feel imperfect and involve compromise.
2. Express that you want things to be better. Aligning with your loved one about wanting to make an improvement to your relationship opens the door to achieving that together.
3. Talk and listen with an open mind. You don’t have to agree with what they have to say, but calmly listening and reflecting can help you understand where they’re coming from and what other issues may be bubbling under the surface. Try to use “I feel statements” (“I feel worried when you come home late” or “I feel hurt”) instead of blaming the other person.
4. Be patient. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Take care of yourself and give yourself the space you need to address family drama in a way that supports your feelings, too. You have to take care of yourself first before you can truly take care of others.
5. Set and maintain boundaries. Boundaries are key to supporting your own mental health and even preserving the relationship when it comes to family conflict. This can involve anything from limiting conversations to certain topics or limiting the length of time you spend at an event. If someone crosses a boundary, you can be clear and direct to them about it.