Guilt

It’s normal to feel guilty every once in a while—we all make mistakes, and guilt actually teaches us to care about others in the process. That being said, guilt can be linked to things we can’t control, and we might experience it so intensely that it can interfere with our lives. This guide can help you identify when guilt may become excessive and can help you find ways to deal with it.
Person climbing up a set of steps from a tunnel

What is guilt?

People typically feel guilt when they feel like something bad that happened is their fault. At some point in life, you’ve probably made mistakes or done something you regret. Guilt is that feeling you experience in the pit of your stomach that makes you feel worried you hurt someone else, or that makes you self-conscious and self-critical. This is especially true if you’ve never come clean about your mess-up and instead fixate on what you could have done differently.

Guilt is different from shame: Guilt is about the action you performed (“I did something bad”). In contrast, shame is seen as being about you (“I am bad”). In this sense, guilt is more specific and is related to a singular event or behavior. Shame, on the other hand, is really a negative commentary about how a person views themselves or thinks others view them. 

What's causing my feelings of guilt?

Your cultural background, childhood upbringing, and brain chemistry have a lot to do with where your guilt may come from. For example, people are conditioned to feel guilty through their childhood experiences by being taught that certain behaviors or mistakes are “bad.” 

The desire to avoid guilt teaches kids how to interact in their lives, but it can also prevent people from focusing too much on others and not enough on themselves. Also, people who deal with a lot of anxiety are more likely to have lingering feelings of guilt. 

How should I deal with guilt?

Guilt can feel like a challenging emotion to address, but it’s still possible to deal with guilt even if the feelings have lingered for a long time. There are a few basic steps you can take to tackle guilt, starting with simply acknowledging that it exists: 

  1. Ask yourself if you can clearly point to an action you took that led to a negative outcome. Consider asking: what happened to cause this feeling, and what aspect do I feel guilty about? If it’s difficult to figure out on your own, consider talking to the people you feel may be affected to get their perspective.
  2. Identify what kind of guilt you’re feeling. If your guilt is a result of something you may have done incorrectly, do your best to use this as an opportunity for growth and betterment. If it’s not, ask yourself these questions–if the answer is yes to any of them, you may need to tackle some unhealthy guilt:

Things to try

Guilt can be a powerful and complicated web of emotions and experiences. Self-reflection is great for exploring how to use guilt to your advantage, and many tools are available to help you take the time and space to better understand yourself.
  • a person writing in a journal

    Try journaling

    Write about how you’re feeling—not only what makes you happy, but also what triggers stress or pain. Experiencing a range of emotions helps regulate stress response, which can mean a healthier immune system. Journaling can also help you take action—you can identify things you want to do more or less of, identify situations you want to change or get help with, and figure out ways to deal with stress in the moment if you know what situations to look out for. While it is tempting to just use your computer, it can be more beneficial to go back to the old pen and paper. The good news is, you only need to journal a few times a week, for 10-20 minutes to get benefit.
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  • Older man and younger man talking while on a walk

    Try talking about it

    It might be that talking about what you're going through is the last thing you feel like doing. Or, it might be that you don't feel like talking to your loved ones about it. Ironically, this is usually a sign that getting something off your chest may be essential to healing. Consider asking a therapist or someone you trust to be a sounding board for you. You only need to start with one person.
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  • Ask for specific help

    Though making a specific ask when you're going through difficult times might feel strange, well-intentioned friends who say “Let me know if I can do anything” will be glad to have a clear idea of how to be helpful. If you aren’t sure where to start, consider: Practical support: errands, cooking, babysitting, etc.; Social/well-being activities: taking a walk, going to coffee or lunch, etc.; Emotional support: spending time together—to talk, or just spend time together.
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More Things To Try

What can I do now?

Acknowledging and being aware of your healthy and unhealthy guilt is an essential first step. It’s easy for something that happened to be bothering you and for you to not even realize it. Pausing to notice it, and name it as guilt, is a huge first step in feeling better. Since guilt teaches you about yourself, try to focus on ways to turn healthy guilt into something positive for yourself. Even if it’s a small change, harnessing the power of healthy guilt and recognizing the sources of unhealthy guilt can be invaluable for your physical and mental health and help you to approach the world with more confidence and empathy.