Navigating your gender & sexuality

Everybody is different, so navigating your identity and eventually coming out (the process of discovering and revealing your gender and/or sexuality) looks different for everybody. Some people know who they are right away, but for some people, it can take years before they figure it out. Discovering who you are can be like sculpting—as you chisel away at the marble, you slowly reveal your vision for yourself. Shame and stigma can make this process difficult, and you should show yourself compassion as you take your time to understand and feel comfortable expressing yourself.

Exploring your gender and sexuality can begin at any time. You may feel different from everyone else but can’t put your finger on why; you may feel uncertain of things that seem intuitive to everyone else; you may want to try something new but fear rejection. Or, you may be super sure of yourself on the inside, but you’re not sure if everyone else gets it yet. It can feel lonely, but it can also feel special.

Exploring your gender presentation, seeking out queer community, reading books about your experiences, researching history, considering and trying out new pronouns: these are just some of the many ways to explore self-discovery. Seeking out community and safe spaces is extra important, especially with people in a similar life stage or of similar age as you. People who understand you implicitly can provide meaningful support and introduce you to new possibilities for yourself.

Sometimes things don’t stick, and that’s OK. Exploring can be a really powerful phase of discovery, and you never have to leave it.

Just like there’s no one way to be a human being, there’s no one way to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, nonbinary, etc. You don’t have to pick a label if you don’t want to, or conform to any standards that don’t feel right for you.

What’s important is that you ask yourself, sincerely, what you want for yourself, who you want to be, and the kind of life you’d like to lead. You may find your answer doesn’t fit into just one box, and that’s OK. You may find your answer changes over time, and that’s OK. If you can’t be out about your identity yet, or you aren’t ready, that’s OK too.

There’s no “correct” timeline, and the only end goal should be your happiness.

Taking a look at the minority stress framework provides a helpful explanation. The distal factors of discrimination, prejudice, victimization, and violence become internalized as proximal factors like self-hatred, lack of self-worth, negative expectations.

These conditions undoubtedly make it harder to just be yourself. It makes it harder to explore your identity, to try things out, and discover who you are on your own time. It can create feelings of uncertainty about yourself and your future; it can make you fear rejection.

No one deserves to feel shame, sadness, or fear because of who they are. We are all best able to survive and thrive through these experiences if we build resilience through connection with other people, pride in our culture, and affirming mental health care.