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JT's Story

"I learned that there is a complex set of emotions around suicide that aren't present for other forms of death."

The story

The following story has mentions of suicide and grief. If you or someone you know is in danger, is going through an emergency, or needs immediate attention, get help now. More mental health resources can be found here.

I am a single mom living in West Virginia who was everyone's rock. I helped shoulder the burdens of friends and family without a second thought. Recently, I dated a man who had bipolar disorder. His symptoms worsened, and shortly after, he took his own life. I collapsed in on myself.

When he took his own life, I felt extremely guilty at first, like I should have known he was going to do it. I had talked to him 15 minutes before I got the call from his mom. Every time I went to sleep, I dreamt of that same 15 minutes over and over for weeks. I barely functioned as a person. I was physically present but completely checked out. I knew I was struggling with the loss, but talking to my friends didn't help because they were very apathetic to my struggle. All I could really do was cry.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention was doing an Out of the Darkness Walk, so I went, hoping to make some sense of things. The event coordinators heard my story and partnered me with someone who had been where I was now, and she talked to me the entire walk.

I learned that there is a complex set of emotions around suicide that aren't present for other forms of death. I continue to work on it by talking about it and sharing my experiences with others so they know they aren't alone. I started participating in AFSP to give back, to help others who are now where I was, and then find hope.

I look at life as a dance; sometimes you go forward, other times backward, but the point is you keep moving.

Finding Support

Find resources to support yourself or someone you love.

Related Resources

  • Helpline | Text line

    988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
    The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in the United States. Available in English and Spanish.

  • How-to article

    Helping Someone Who’s Grieving
    Is someone you know grieving a loss? Learn what to say and how to comfort someone through bereavement, grief, and loss.

  • Video Resources

    Release Stress and Anxious Thoughts Short Meditation
    Learn to be present with the feeling of stress and tension being released through this short meditation. Through science-backed meditation and mindfulness tools, Headspace helps you create life-changing habits to support your mental health and find a healthier, happier you. Unwind with guided meditation sessions to relax after a long day, learn how to build healthy boundaries with our meditation and mindfulness teachers, practice mindfulness exercises for everyday scenarios like commuting or cooking, and create the ideal conditions for restful sleep with our guided sleep meditations and sleep music.

  • Online interactive tool(s)

    Suicide prevention interventions and treatments | American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
    American Foundation for Suicide Prevention offers online resources and many helpful approaches for individuals and their loved ones, when someone is in distress or at risk for suicidal behavior. Interventions and treatments have been developed in recent years for individuals who are experiencing suicidal thoughts or who have made a suicide attempt.