Navigating your LGBTQ+ Identity

The LGBTQ+ community is not a monolith; it’s a richly diverse group of people with a wide range of lived experiences. Coming to accept yourself isn’t always easy, and sometimes, the stress can negatively impact your mental health. Learn about the challenges and how to foster self-discovery and acceptance.

What is it?

Coming to terms with your identity can be confusing and scary, but it can also be transformative. It can unlock previously unknown parts of yourself; it can reveal your potential as a person; it can bring a world of happiness, excitement, creativity, love, and joy.

Everybody is different, so navigating your identity and coming out looks different for everybody. Some people know who they are right away, but for some people, it can take years before they figure it out. Discovering who you are can be like sculpting—as you chisel away at the marble, you slowly reveal your vision for yourself. Shame and stigma can make this process difficult, and you should show yourself compassion as you take your time to understand and feel comfortable expressing yourself.

Exploring your identity can begin at any time. You may feel different from everyone else, but can’t put your finger on why; you may feel uncertain of things that seem intuitive to everyone else; you may want to try something new but fear rejection. Or, you may be super sure of yourself on the inside, but you’re not sure if everyone else gets it yet. It can feel lonely, but it can also feel special.

Seeking out queer community, reading books related to your experiences and researching history: these are just some of the many ways to explore self-discovery. Seeking out community and safe spaces is extra important, especially with people in a similar life stage or age as you. People who understand you implicitly can provide meaningful support and introduce you to new possibilities for yourself.

Sometimes things change, and that’s OK. Exploring can be a really powerful phase of discovery, and you never have to leave it.

Just like there’s no one way to be a human being, there’s no one way to be queer. You don’t have to pick a label if you don’t want to or conform to any standards that don’t feel right for you.

What’s important is that you ask yourself, sincerely, what you want for yourself, who you want to be, and what kind of life you’d like to lead. You may find your answer doesn’t fit into just one box, and that’s OK. You may find your answer changes over time, and that’s OK. If you can’t be out about your identity yet, or you aren’t ready, that’s OK too.

There’s no “correct” timeline, and the only end goal should be your happiness.

What’s difficult about it?

It’s easy to talk about self-discovery but doing it can be difficult, especially when you lack resources, safe places to turn, or safe people to talk to.

LGBTQ+ identities were once categorized and treated as mental health conditions, all operating with the underlying assumption that being part of the LGBTQ+ community was a disease that could be cured. While we’ve come a long way in combating hate, the stigma hasn’t completely gone away.

Over the past several decades, LGBTQ+ folks have waged strong and successful efforts to combat that stigma and gain greater acceptance. But in recent years, anti-LGBTQ+ discrimination has increased, making it harder for LGBTQ+ folks to live safely as their authentic selves.

Discrimination can take a toll on your mental health and can make it harder to just be yourself. It makes it harder to explore your identity, to try things out, and discover who you are on your own time. It can create feelings of uncertainty about yourself and your future; it can make you fear rejection.

No one deserves to feel shame, sadness, or fear because of who they are. We are all best able to survive and thrive through these experiences if we build resilience through connection with other people, pride in our culture, and affirming mental health care.

How should I deal with it?

Discovering who you are can be difficult, but you’re not alone. Giving yourself space to heal and explore, and seeking out people who understand you, is a great place to start.

Things to try

Acknowledge and avoid negative self-talk

Connect with others
Build pride for your community
Try talking about it

More Things To Try

How to help a loved one

Everyone deserves the chance to explore who they are and who they want to be, without judgment, and at any age or phase of their life. Still, because of many factors LGBTQ+ folks can’t immediately find the acceptance they deserve.

Unfortunately, many people still believe that being part of the LGBTQ+ community is a choice rather than a natural part of someone’s personhood. This assumption is harmful and contributes greatly to the specific interpersonal issues LGBTQ+ face.

Give your loved ones the space to explore. Your loved one may come to you with unsure, questioning feelings about their identity. It’s important to validate how they’re feeling, provide non-judgmental support, ask them questions, and assure them that it’s okay if they don’t have everything totally figured out.

Coming out looks different for everyone: some people want to come out with a big splash, some want to tell just a few trusted friends, and some prefer not to “officially” come out at all. Sometimes people come out multiple times as they discover new parts of themselves.

If someone comes out to you, it’s really important to accept and affirm them, especially if this is your family member or someone very special to you. However it happens, what matters is that your loved one is met with positivity. It takes a lot of courage to be open about yourself, knowing that many people aren’t accepting of LGBTQ+ people. Though it may be news to you, this person may have spent years discovering themselves and deciding to tell people. That’s why your response (and acceptance) is so important.

If you’re part of the LGBTQ+ community, this can be a great opportunity to point your loved ones who are beginning their coming out journey to affirming spaces and people, culturally competent health care, and mental health support that has helped you. This person may feel very alone, and being in community with other people who share and can relate to their experiences can be life-affirming.

When it comes to supporting trans and nonbinary loved ones, make a strong effort to respect their wishes. You may not understand everything right away. Don’t feel afraid to ask what they want and honor what they ask. This can include learning and consistently using new pronouns, addressing them by a new name, and introducing them properly to others in your life.

It’s also important to be careful with the information people share with you. Being outed (when someone’s sexuality or gender identity is shared without their approval) can be incredibly traumatic, especially in hostile, phobic communities. It’s always best to ask someone when and with whom they’re comfortable with you sharing things about their identity.

If this person is still coming to terms with themselves, hasn’t told their family or employer, or even told you specifically not to share this information, keep it to yourself. No matter what, it’s good practice to just ask people what they want and how they want to be treated, and follow suit.

What can I do now?

If you’re in the process of discovering who you are, you aren’t alone. If you haven’t figured it all out yet or just need some more information, we have some ways to get through and learn more.

Website
Coming Out Guides | Mental Health America
Website | Support group
Find a Chapter | PFLAG
Online directory
The LGBTQ+ Healthcare Directory

More Resources

Navigating your LGBTQ+ Identity

What is it?

What’s difficult about it?

Related emotions, moods and life challenges

How should I deal with it?

Things to try

Connect with others

Build pride for your community

Try talking about it

What can I do now?

Related conditions